Same Meltdown.Different Reason.

Jennifer

Welcome to Built for Your Family, an original podcast by Kinspire. I'm Jennifer Mingucci, and I have the privilege of leading our incredible community of parents raising outside-the-box kids. These are parents navigating developmental differences, delays, diagnoses like autism, ADHD, sensory processing challenges, learning differences, or sometimes just the feeling that traditional parenting advice doesn't quite fit their child. And if that's your story, you belong here with support built for your family. I want to share something that stood out loud and clear when we surveyed our community. When we asked parents what challenges they wanted the most support with, the number one answer was emotional regulation. Not academics, not behavior plans, not routines, emotional regulation. Parents told us that they were struggling with meltdowns, explosive reactions, difficulty with transitions, challenges talking about emotions, and moments when their child seems completely overwhelmed by feelings. But what surprised us even more was what came next. When we asked parents about their own challenges, emotional regulation rose to the top again. Parents shared that they struggled to manage their own emotions during difficult moments, stay calm during meltdowns, and know how to help their children identify and process what they're feeling. And honestly, that makes so much sense because when you're living through the hard moments every day, it is exhausting. When your child is melting down in the grocery store, refusing to transition, screaming over something that feels small, or shutting down completely, it is natural to focus on stopping the behavior. But what if the behavior isn't actually the problem? What if it's the clue? What if the same meltdown could be happening for completely different reasons? And that is exactly what we are talking about today because one of the most powerful shifts in precision parenting is learning to stop asking, "How do I stop this behavior?" and start asking, "What is this behavior trying to tell me?" Lily and Dr. Jill created a system that helps parents get underneath the behavior and identify the root cause driving what they're seeing because when we understand the root cause, we can move from constantly reacting to the behavior to actually preventing some of those challenging moments before they happen. And one of the easiest ways to understand this system is through an analogy we use all the time here at Kinspire, put on our visualization lens. Think about it with me. Go with me along the journey, a cherry blossom tree. Okay, before we dive into the tree itself, Dr. Jill, I'd love for you to help parents understand how to think about this tool because I think most of us naturally focus on what we can see, the screaming, the tears, the refusal, the shutdown, the meltdown, but precision parenting asks us to look deeper than the behavior.

Dr. Jill

So before we walk through the tree together, how should parents think about using this analogy? Yes. W- what you described was that a child's having a meltdown, and we really don't know why. If someone tells me, as a psychologist, "My child is melting down. What should I do?" I have a lot of questions that come to mind, and it might be what's going on with their regulation? It might be even behind that, do they have their basic needs met? Are they tired, hungry, thirsty, those kinds of things. It might be at a much higher level of do they have the skills to do what they were expected to do, which maybe caused the meltdown. So there are all these different levels that we wanna think about, that we can kind of group the causes into when we're thinking about what the behavior tells us, and therefore where do we want to intervene and support our child. And so the whole idea behind the tree is to make this simpler for parents. Rather than having these abstract different categories, we group them together in a way that is actually compounding, because if you don't have the more basic skills, you're going to struggle with the higher level skills. So rather than having all separate categories and you're trying to remember, what am I supposed to think about and what are the various areas where I might need to provide support, instead there's this way to think about does, does it start down at the roots? Does it work up through the trunk, up through the leaves, the blossoms, which is key to why we call this not just a tree, but a cherry blossom tree, and we'll talk about what all of those areas are. Lily, before we go into the tree analogy, last week you introduced us to the concept of regulation glasses.

Lily

For any new listeners or as a refresher, can you remind us what regulation glasses are and how we should think about that as parents? Yes. So regulation glasses are really a reminder to shift into detective mode. We want to put on our regulation glasses when our child is starting to become overwhelmed, and try and understand what is really below the surface of these behaviors. And with this tree analogy, it's gonna add another layer to our detective skills, and really help us work through the hierarchy and the sequence to really guide us in terms of what to do next. So everyone listening, let's put on our regulation glasses. Let's do it. I want us to real- I like it. We're all in.

Jennifer

I want us to really picture a beautiful blossoming cherry blossom tree. If you think about Washington, DC, they have that beautiful row of those gorgeous trees, and we are going to start beneath the surface and work our way up. So Dr. Jill, at the very bottom of the tree are the roots, which you have labeled as your child's basic needs.

Dr. Jill

What are those needs, and what are the questions parents should be asking themselves first as we start beneath the surface, down in this beautiful tree's roots? So really thinking about a tree, where a tree cannot survive if it doesn't have strong roots. It's not gonna thrive, it's not gonna grow, it's not gonna sprout. It's the same thing for a child. We can't have expectations for them to do anything else if their basic needs aren't met. So what are some of those basic needs that you can think about as represented by the roots? That's things like, have they slept well? Are they hungry? Are they thirsty? So just even starting with those three, we can think about ourselves to really understand what this is- I'm li- literally, I'm like, as you said thirsty, I was like, "I am thirsty as well." Ne- need a sip. Mm-hmm. So think about if you've had a busy day, maybe it's taking care of your kids or at work, and you didn't have a chance to eat lunch, and by the time you get home at the end of the day, you realize, "Oh, I'm starting to get really dysregulated. My kids are asking me questions, I don't have patience to answer those questions," and it might be because you're actually really hungry and trying to get into the kitchen to make dinner. The same thing happens with our kids. So it could be that they wake up really hungry, it could be that they didn't eat lunch well at school, it could be that they're a picky eater. Lots of different reasons. Same thing if they're thirsty, same thing if they haven't slept well. So do we need to focus on things like making sure they're eating, drinking, sleeping before we're asking questions like why didn't they clean their room?

Jennifer

Mm-hmm. So you can't jump up the tree until you focus on those basic needs first. Okay, and I think this is an important one to start, 'cause that's also something that could change day to day, or from school to home. Or it's hour to hour. Absolutely. Okay, Lily taking it to the streets with the hour to hour. Accurate. Accurate. So Lily, if I've checked the roots and I feel like my child is rested, my child's fed, I start moving up the tree and now I'm at the trunk of the tree, which you've labeled as regulation- Yeah ... a place I know you spend a lot of time helping parents understand, what should parents be looking for at this part of the tree in the trunk?

Lily

So we really want to make sure that their nervous system is in a regulated state where they can access their skills. We don't want them to be in this super fight and flight, hyperactive kind of state, and we don't want them to be, like, under-aroused either. We really want to look at the regulation from a standpoint, are they able to sit down and focus at this point? Are they able to access their executive functioning skills? Are they able to access their attention? So you want to make sure that their nervous system is not in a state of fight or flight, and you want to make sure that they're not under-aroused as well. Dr. Jill, maybe you could jump in here and describe two kinds of states where there's not enough energy that they may need, and where they might have too much energy.

Dr. Jill

What might that look like? As Lily was talking, I actually was thinking to myself, like, wow, this even describes my kids when they were at the same age. So not how they are now, but when they were younger. One of them was really slow to arouse in the morning, not a morning person, really under-aroused, so hard to get going, and another one who woke up with much more energy. So recognizing that their needs are gonna be very different by focusing on their specific regulation style or state that they're in at that moment can make a huge difference. Because I was learning so much as I started working with Lily about things that can be helpful to get someone more aroused in the morning if they struggle to be aroused in the morning. Or if someone is really stressed, in more of that fight or flight mode, how to down-regulate their system, what can help them, or if they're more hyperactive and hard- having a hard time controlling their body, how you can, again, down-regulate their system. So really thinking not just about your family as a whole, but down to your individual child and different times of day. So just as an example, that child who was, had a harder time waking up in the morning still isn't a morning person. I'm not a morning person. I understand that. But the rest of the day he wasn't under-aroused, right? Mm-hmm. It's really focusing in on what's that regulation at that specific time that you're needing, they're, they're perhaps needing some support.

Jennifer

And thinking about regulation, I know we talked a little bit when we were going over the pillars of precision parenting in last week's episode, the concept of our own regulation as grownups in the room. Lily or Jill, whoever would like to jump in, what should we be thinking about in terms of our own regulated state when we're going up the tree, and I'm, now that I'm saying this out loud, I'm like, I should also think, have I slept?

Dr. Jill

Am I hungry? Et cetera. What kind of questions should I be asking myself about my own regulation? I'll jump in first, and I'm gonna stick with the analogy that I was just using about the morning. So I'm not a morning person, but once I get out of bed, I te- I tend to be awake. Now, I know a lot of people who need that slow wake-up time. They need a cup of coffee in the morning. So if, if they're thinking about their own state, Lily, I think, they, they're under-aroused in the morning. So to expect a parent to get up and jump into helping with their kid who might be under-aroused or over-aroused if they're not aroused enough is not gonna work. So can that be the parent gets up 10 minutes earlier and has that cup of coffee and starts to get their arousal going? So it's a really important place to think about what you're needing first so that you can be most successful with your kid. Lily, any questions I should be asking myself in this tree trunk of regulation?

Lily

I think it's just really important to have awareness around your own regulation, and start to learn what is really gonna be beneficial for yourself. We don't always know that, and for me, the mornings, I do need my coffee. Ca- I cannot function. And also, afternoon-ish, I don't know if that's a perimenopause thing, I don't know, but I really need to either go on a walk or have some more coffee. I think sometimes you start to forget that, and you can really go throughout the entire day, and you are in this dysregulated state, and you really need to be aware of that- Mm-hmm ... in order to actually make changes. Yeah, just know thyself, and bringing awareness to our own self, I feel like it's so forgotten when we're so focused on the outward.

Jennifer

Yeah. So even just bringing more attention inside, I think could help our listeners as we navigate through the tree. Okay, so we've checked the roots, our basic needs. We've checked our trunk and our regulation. Now we're moving on to the branches of the cherry blossom tree, and this is where you place executive functioning skills, which I know can feel overwhelming for parents because there are so many. But before we break those down, can children even access executive functioning skills if their basic needs and regulation aren't in place first? The answer is no, and it's not just our kids who can't access- So quick. She was so quick with that no. No. No, they can't. No. Hard no. But it's not just that kids can't.

Dr. Jill

No one can. Right. And you can think, s- so executive functions happen to be my strength. That's some- I tend to be really well organized, for example. But if I'm super tired or I haven't eaten all day, it's gonna be harder to access those executive functions. Or if I'm dysregulated, say we're traveling and we're in a busy airport, and it's noisy and I'm needing to pay attention to a lot of things, it's like it's gonna take that much more effort to really focus in and override the fact that I'm feeling a little bit dysregulated to tap into my executive functions If your skills are weak, if your executive function skills are weak, which they are for just about every out-of-the-box kid, it's a almost a universal thing that we hear from our parents, then without those basic needs being met, without that core of regulation being there, it's gonna be really hard to tap into those bran- uh, the community has seen me do this many a time, the branches of executive functions.

Jennifer

It's gonna be really hard to tap into those without the other pieces. This connects me to one of Lily's best analogies. So beyond regulation glasses, she is the author of one of my other favorites, which is you often talk about a child's brain being on fire, which makes me think of one of my favorite emojis with the head blowing up.

Lily

What do you mean by this analogy? Because I feel like it's the perfect place to talk about it. Well, I use this in my own family because with my own, really with my own kids, when they are starting to feel overwhelmed and when they're dysregulated, it is hard for a parent to stay calm. You're, it's, you're trying to do so much at home. We have so much that we have to get done. We have to cook dinner. We have to do homework. We have to get them to afterschool activities. And when you ask your child to put their socks on and then they really have a hard time and start to melt down, you want to scream as a parent. And what helped me is I really do visualize their brain on fire in these moments because that is actually what's happening. Their brain truly is on fire. They are dysregulated. Everything's offline for them. They cannot access their skills. But that visualization just really helps me get through it and helps me stay calm as a parent. Yes. And so I like to tell my clients that, and I like to tell all of our families in this community about that, 'cause it really is just a helpful tool for me. But also just is such a great way to stop yourself in your tracks. Yeah, and I think it's a good check before you bring on a new task or a new ask of your child. Yeah. Or when we thought about making the Just Right Challenge, one of the checks could even be like, is their brain on fuego at this time? Because they may not be able to access the skills required to complete the task. Right. And truly, if your child is dysregulated, they're not gonna be able to. So we really need- Say it again. Say it again. Say it again. You gotta say it one more time If your child is dysregulated, they can't access their skills.

Jennifer

We really have to visualize that brain on fire and try to figure out how we're gonna put that fire out. This- How are we gonna put that fire out? This is so critical- Yeah ... to what we're creating inside Kinspire, where we're trying to give families the strategies that are bespoke to them, taking into consideration all of these pieces of data, their environment, themselves as a parent, so that we could give them the right tools, especially to help in this regulation piece, and in terms of building their executive functioning so that we could keep traversing up the tree. As I think about what comes next, I feel like as a parent, I'm really struggling, 'cause I feel like most parents are wanting these things first. I feel like they're like listening to this podcast potentially and thinking about, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, they sleep. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can get regulated, but I really want these exciting things up here." And so when I think about what's next, we've checked to see the roots of our child's basic needs. We checked that, that they have a strong trunk with their regulation. We've explored the branches with executive functioning skills, and now we're moving on to the leaves of the cherry blossom tree, which we have labeled as your child's emotions.

Dr. Jill

Dr. Jill, what should parents be looking for in this layer when we're trying to be a detective? What are we looking for in terms of their child's emotions? One of the terms that we use for executive functions, and really for emotion too, these kind of blend together, is regulation. And so it's with the executive functions, it's like behavioral regulation. It's attentional regulation. And here we're talking about emotional regulation. So do they have the skills that they need to stay regulated in terms specifically of their emotions? Can they calm down? Can they express emotions? Do they have the language skills to communicate them? Do they have some coping skills when they're getting really dysregulated? Or do they need things like we've talked about in our last podcast around co-regulation to really support in that area? And now that we've made it all the way to the top of our cherry blossom tree, we have the blossoms. Many families come to us asking to start with this, the social skills, the friendship, the communication, helping their child connect with others.

Jennifer

What are some questions that parents should be asking themselves at this final layer of the tree, the blossoms? Lily, what should we be considering? I think the visual of the tree really helps us understand what a high-level skill social skills are. And so I think Basically, a parent should understand that when we expect our kids to have these excellent mature social skills, we probably are asking a little bit too much of our kids at that moment, right?

Lily

Mm-hmm. We really need to work on everything underneath that. We me- need to make sure their basic needs are met, we need to make sure they're regulated, and we need to make sure they have good executive functioning skills, and we need to make sure that their emotional regulation is possible. A lot of parents, you're right, they do come to us, and their main concern is social skills, but like we're talking about, we really need to consider everything else. And once you do address all of the skills that lead up to social skills, you're going to all of a sudden see them blossom. You know? We're going to see the social skills blossom naturally because they are able to have a little bit more impulse control. Social skills, it's hard when you're really impulsive and you blurt things out to your friends that might not be so kind, even though that was not their intention. It's hard to have good relationships when losing a game is really tricky, and every single time you lose, then it becomes a major ordeal. So we really do need to work on these other skills in order for us to really see improvement in the highest level in the social skills. One of the things that, that Lily was mentioning was a number of executive functions there, right?

Dr. Jill

So we talk about the dynamic dozen as we refer to the executive functions, and i- the behavioral regulation, so impulsivity, or the emotional regulation in the leaves of not having a meltdown if you lose. There's so many others we could mention of, like, when you say, "Go play," if you don't have good organizational or planning skills, which are two more of the dynamic dozen, can you think of how to play effectively? Can you think of a game to play? If you're not flexible, another executive function skill, are you going to be able to switch it up when your friend says they want to do something different? So if a parent comes in at the very top and says, "Well, I just really want my kid to play," but they don't have those branches, or even lower, they're dysregulated, or their basic needs aren't met, like we think about the tree, it's going to flop, and so is their social interaction.

Jennifer

It's going to flop if they don't have all of those other skills underneath it. Yeah. This is making me think about when you both talk a little bit about developmental age and chronological age- Mm ... where I think people see their peers having really great social interactions and relationships, but are feeling like their child maybe doesn't have that skill set yet.

Dr. Jill

Could either of you just give a little bit of a definition in how we can consider developmental age versus chronological age? Yeah. So I think it's really clear with kids who have ADHD- Mm-hmm ... there's typically a 30% delay in their executive functioning skills. And so often most parents don't even know this, and they are expecting their child to really function in the same way. So a 12-year-old, right, who has ADHD, they're expecting to navigate middle school and navigate a- everything that comes along with having six different classes. But when you consider the deficit and the delay that ADHD comes with, they are really functioning at a 30% deficit, so it's really around eight, nine years old. And whenever I say that to parents, they're like, "Yes, this makes so much sense." I was talking to a friend the other day, and I explained this, and he's, "Yes, I always say that my son would be an excellent fourth-grader right now, but he's in sixth grade." Yeah. He would be an awesome fourth-grader right now. And so we need to adjust our expectations to what our kids are actually capable of at the moment, and it's gonna help the relationship with us and our child because we're gonna start to give them tasks and support them in a way where they're more successful, because we're not expecting them to be a typical 12-year-old that can easily manage six classes all at once.

Jennifer

Jill, I feel like you are always reminding us sometimes our expectations are even not appropriate for a quote-unquote neurotypical child, or we think they shouldn't be having any challenges. Could you talk a little bit about that, that all kids have challenges and get to different milestones at different times?

Dr. Jill

Yeah. So when we think about this from the brain, the last part of the brain to develop is the frontal lobes and its connections. And so when I say last, I mean that while the brain is always developing, but that area really into your mid-20s. Your mid-20s. So when we think about can a little kid do something, we often say, okay, well, it's understandable that a really small child can't clean up their room on their own. But then they get into those middle years and we think, well, they should just be able to, but really that part of their brain that manages those executive functions is still developing for another 10, 15 years. Mm-hmm. Skill will continue to grow, so that's one thing that a parent can say to themselves is like, "Okay, I can take a breath. This is going to get better." And that's one of the reasons, for instance, like with ADHD, we say it's both a deficit and a delay. So they are below their peers, but it will get better across time. It's not that they're gonna stay where they are forever. But what's the key to getting better? It's working on the skills. It truly is strengthening those connections in the brain, practicing those skills over and over again, and that's where parents are key. So let's go through our tree one last time, and then I really want to go into a scenario of showing how we can utilize the tree to show the same behavior, but the cause being different.

Jennifer

So just to recap what we covered today, we talked about the roots being your child's basic needs. Are they well-rested? Are they hungry? Moving up to the trunk, your child's regulation. Are they regulated? Am I regulated? What is their arousal level? Remember Jill talked to us a little bit about sometimes a child needing more energy or less energy. Then we move up and extend off the trunk into the branches, which is your child's executive functions, and these are the questions asked: Do they have the executive functioning skills acquired to accomplish this task? So that is where Lily and Jill are talking about this piece where that, those are the skills that you really need to develop to see some of these more higher up on the tree skills that everyone is seeking. Then we go into the leaves, which is your child's emotions. What is my child's behavior showing me about how they feel? And then the blossoms, your child's social skills. Is my child able to connect and communicate? So all of that is coming up from the bottom all the way up to the top. One of the most powerful parts of the tree analogy is realizing the same behavior can have completely different causes. I'd love to make this real for parents today. Let's imagine two children having what looks like the exact same meltdown at the grocery store or at Costco. I always feel like it's at one of those places. Same tears, we've got screaming, the same overwhelmed parents. I hope I'm painting a picture. Can you walk us through how the causes might actually be very different depending on where they are in the tree?

Dr. Jill

So maybe Jill, you could give one example, and then Lily, you could give a child in another aisle, what could be causing it. Go ahead, Dr. Jill. Sure. So I'll start with the executive functions. Maybe Lily, you could take a, a regulation piece. Yeah. So you're, you're in the store, and you've told your child that after school they need to come to Costco with you, and don't worry, they can play when they get home But maybe they have really impaired or even mildly impaired executive functions. One of the things that goes along with impaired executive functions, you often see this in ADHD, for example, is time blindness. So they don't have a sense of what 10 minutes in Costco is gonna look like. Okay. Or, yeah, so that could be a big one, right? You say 10 minutes, and they feel like, "I'm gonna lose my entire afternoon of playing with my friends," because they don't have a sense of that time. Or you've said 10 minutes, and two minutes have passed, and they've started to melt down because they don't have a sense of how much time has passed. Or you've said to them, "We just need to pick up five really important items that we can use for dinner for the rest of the week," but they don't have the working memory, which is another executive function, to hold things in mind. That's what working memory is, holding things in mind. And so you've grabbed two items, and now they're melting down because they didn't hold in mind what those five items are. So I just listed maybe two or three executive functions, but that's focusing on it from the angle of executive functions only- Mm-hmm

Jennifer

that a child could be having a meltdown when they're in Costco or the supermarket after school. Yeah, I like it. So Jill's i- Jill's example is stopping in the branches, and they got into Costco. They were well-fed. They had slept the night before. They were in a regulated state, but the meltdown that Jill is describing is being caused by their inability to access their EF skills.

Lily

Lily, if we go a few aisles over- Yeah ... you've got the throwing on the floor, the tantrum vibes. Yeah. What is happening in your scenario? In my scenario- Uh-oh, I feel like she's talking from personal experience. This child had a long day at school also. It was a day full of lots of chatting at school, lots of noise, unpredictable sounds, and this child is very sensitive, and a lot of hard work, which made her just overall dysregulated. And so the mom picked the child up from school and said, "Hey, we're gonna go to Costco," and the child wasn't happy, was already upset and wanted to go home. But mom had to go to Costco, so we went to Costco, and this just tipped the child over, and her sensory system was completely overloaded. She, the entire day, was trying to manage all the sensory input that she's really sensitive to. Yeah. And I often will talk about the, her cup overflowing, meaning her- Sensory and nervous system is just overloaded, and so this child's cup is totally overflowing and dysregulated. In terms of the tree, we- she was- she's slept, she was fed, she's not hungry, but this is the dysregulation portion. Nervous system is overwhelmed at this point.

Jennifer

Too, too many lights, too many colors. Too many- Right. Too many people. Yeah. Too many people knocking into her. Sensory systems are just overwhelmed. And it's a great example of thinking about the arousal state within the trunk of the tree, 'cause you're saying she just used all her energy to get through school, and to get through that day, and make it through all those sensory experiences, so her energy tank is lower as she's entering- Yeah

Lily

the experience. Yeah. Right. And if you think about a way to use this as a tool, right, the mom who picked up the daughter noticed that she was dysregulated. We could have then said, "Okay, she's dysregulated. How am I going to help regulate her so we can then go to the next task?" And taking five extra minutes to help with her regulation, maybe giving her some earplugs, maybe giving her a weighted stuffed animal that you leave in the car, something that's gonna help her, her system regulate, would've been beneficial because no one loves dealing with meltdowns in Costco.

Jennifer

Yes, but I love this, 'cause Lily's now connecting the dots for us of, okay, in her example we had a regulation situation, so the solutions that she's bringing to the table are things that are gonna help boost the regulation at that specific aisle. So things like the earbuds, et cetera. Dr. Jill, in your scenario with executive functions, how might I be more supportive in that grocery shopping experience to help with their EF skills, whether it's the time blindness that you mentioned, or the not being able to keep track of the five items?

Dr. Jill

What are some tools I could strategize when knowing that that's more the problem area? Yeah, and so it, it's gonna depend specifically on the child, and this is where precision parenting really comes in because different ages you're gonna do different things to. Yeah, yeah. But if it's an older child who perhaps can walk around Costco by themselves, maybe you give them three things on the list. They're written down on a piece of paper, or if they have a phone, you put it in their notes app, and they go find those items and come back so it happens more quickly. Or if they're a younger child and you want them to stay with you, you can still write things down on a piece of paper, or if you don't have one, use your phone, and they get to check it off as they're done, so they see we're getting through this and it's not gonna take forever. It might be pulling out a timer. Again, now we all happen to have timers on our phones fortunately, so you can do a countdown timer. You can make it into a game. Can we beat the clock? I think it's gonna take 15 minutes while we're here. Do we think we can get it done in 12 if we really stay focused and walk fast? So you try to bring some, some lightness to it. So lots of different ideas depending on the age, but those were all focused on the executive functions, and now assuming the kid was otherwise regulated and could just be at that state to need that scaffolding for their executive functions. And so I love that these examples really show how you would pull from your toolbox of solutions based upon where you land in the tree to give a really great precision parenting solution-focused moment.

Jennifer

And I think that that's such an important takeaway for parents with the goal not being to become an expert in the behavior, but the goal be, uh, becoming about being curious about what's underneath it because when we stop asking, "How do I stop this meltdown?" and start asking, "What is this behavior telling me?" everything begins to change. So now that today we have learned a little bit about our regulation glasses, we learned about the cherry blossom tree, what is one small shift that we can take with us to start implementing this system in our everyday life? What's something that parents might be able to do between now and next week to start using the tree?

Lily

Yeah, I think the next time your child has a meltdown or you start to notice them feeling dysregulated, just picture the tree and see how you can work your way through it and maybe identify the area where the breakdown is. And Dr. Jill, what are some words of encouragement for our community as they start utilizing these new skills, approaching their behaviors with curiosity?

Dr. Jill

What are something that we can maybe keep with us to help guide us through this process? I wanna give hopeful words, but I also wanna add in something- Yeah, yeah ... which is when we have outside the box kids, often we ourselves struggle with some of those same things. So for instance, if your kid is really struggling with executive functions, you might too. So you might get to the end of this podcast and feel like, "What, what did they talk about? There were so many parts to that tree, and I can't remember it, and I don't have time to replay it." So one of the things that I would say is an- another idea is to just pick one area. So maybe it's, "The only thing I'm gonna focus on this week is the roots. I can't remember what the other things are, and I'm not gonna worry about those right now, but this week I'm gonna focus on the roots. So every time my kid is having a meltdown, I'm gonna check in, and I'm gonna say, 'Did they sleep well last night? Are they hungry? Are they thirsty?'" And you might not yet know or remember what the other things are to look for, but you could at least start to answer that question of, "Oh, this is a problem sometimes," or, "No, this is usually not a problem." Then you'll know at a later date, oh, I should start focusing on one of the others, and maybe it will be just regulation- Yeah ... or maybe it will be just executive function. So if you need to, and it's hard, don't feel bad. It's not easy to remember these concepts right away. Just pick one from the beginning- Yeah and we'll all learn these pieces together. Maybe that's my hopeful note is that- Yes ... you are not alone. Obviously, we have studied and researched these concepts for a long time, but they're new to most parents. And so don't feel like you have to get it right away. We'll be talking about these ideas over and over again, and if you can just even focus in on once, one, and start focusing on that with your child, it will be helpful.

Lily

Yeah. And another- Such a good reminder ... another piece of support, you can write down the levels of the tree. That could be your, your little cheat sheet you can keep in your wallet and your bag as well if you feel like that's a lot of information to store. Pin it right on the refrigerator. I like it. Yeah.

Jennifer

And, and I will add, and you will hear me say this as the line that I always talk about, is so you put it on your refrigerator, and then your child asks you, "What's that?" Right? You've printed out a cherry blossom tree, and you've labeled, like, basic needs, regulation, et cet- and your child asks you. And one of the things that we talk about a lot is how helpful it is to talk about any of these concepts out loud. So you don't have to hide from your child that you're working on these skills for yourself, for them, make things easier at home. That can be helpful, too. Today we had the opportunity to learn about some awesome concepts, the regulation glasses, the cherry blossom tree. If you would like a visual guide to follow along with today's episode, be sure to visit our show notes where you'll find supportive resources, including regulation glasses reference guide, and our cherry blossom tree framework. If you are a visual learner like me, these resources can help bring today's conversation to life and make it even easier to start using these tools at home. And before we go, I want to leave you with one final thought. The next time your child has a meltdown, an outburst, or a hard moment, pause before you react. Put on your regulation glasses, get curious, and ask yourself, "What is this behavior trying to tell me?" Because behavior is communication, and when we understand what's driving the behavior, we can respond to what our child truly needs, and that is at the heart of precision parenting, and that is at the heart of what we are building here together. So remember, same meltdown, different reasons. The more we understand the reason, the better equipped we are to help our children thrive. As always, if there is a topic you would like to see Lily and Dr. Jill cover on the pod, we'd love to hear from you. Visit us at kinspirehealth.com to submit a topic, share feedback, or learn more about opportunities to connect directly with our team. And if you're interested in receiving coaching directly from Lily and Dr. Jill, you can learn more about the support options available through Kinspire. Thank you again for joining us on Built For Your Family, and we will see you next week. Built For Your Family is an educational podcast. The information and strategies shared here are for informational purposes only, and are not a substitute for individualized clinical care. Lily and Dr. Jill are licensed clinicians, but nothing in this podcast creates a clinical relationship or constitutes therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice. If your child needs direct medical support, we encourage you to work with a qualified professional in your area. Built For Your Family is a Kinspire original podcast hosted by Lily Baiser and Dr. Jill Gitten Aloia. Produced and edited by me, Jennifer Mingucci. New episodes drop every week. Find us wherever you listen to podcasts and visit us at kinspirehealth.com to learn more