How Other People’s Expectations Shape the Way We Feel as Parents — And How to Protect Your Parent-Child Relationship
As parents, we’re constantly working to understand who our child truly is — their strengths, their challenges, their needs, and the way they experience the world. But there’s a powerful influence we often overlook:
Other people’s expectations.
Whether it’s family, friends, teachers, or society at large, the messages we receive — directly or indirectly — can shape how we see our child and how we feel about our own parenting.
This article explores how those external expectations impact your parent-child relationship and offers ways to stay grounded in what your child truly needs.
Seeing Your Child as a Whole Person
When you think about your child, it’s natural to see both their strengths and the parts of your relationship that feel challenging. Holding these two truths at the same time is powerful:
You can honor your child’s gifts without ignoring the areas where they struggle.
And you can support your child through their challenges without losing sight of their strengths.
This is how we begin to see our children as whole, complex people.
But even as we’re doing this work internally, the outside world may be sending very different messages.
The Pressure to Fit Inside “The Norm”
We don’t parent in isolation. We parent within communities — schools, neighborhoods, extended families, social circles — all of which come with their own expectations.
You’ve likely felt them.
“The norm” says that children should:
Go to school and complete most work independently
Make friends easily and socialize without much support
Handle transitions with minimal reminders
Participate in activities like sports or arts
Respond predictably to typical parenting strategies
Bounce back quickly after emotional upsets
But what if your child doesn’t?
What if your child is an “outside the box” kid — one who simply doesn’t fit those expectations?
Many Kinspire parents tell us they feel a subtle (or not-so-subtle) message from others that children should behave a certain way — and if they don’t, something must be “wrong” with the child or the parent.
That message is painful. And often, it’s untrue.
When You Feel Judged — Even If No One Says Anything Out Loud
You may have experienced moments like these:
Leaving the park or a birthday party
You watch another child listen immediately when it’s time to go.
Your child melts down, refuses, or becomes dysregulated — and your friend offers, “Have you tried…?”
Family members weighing in
Someone comments that you’re “too easy” because you don’t “lay down the law” about chores or meals — even though you know that forcing compliance leads to an emotional explosion.
School drop-off
You walk your child into the classroom because separation is hard, or you remind them to hand in their homework because they’ll forget otherwise — only to sense (or hear) that you’re “enabling.”
Over time, these moments add up. You may begin internalizing the message:
“Other parents don’t struggle like this. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.”
But the truth is much gentler:
Your child simply needs a different approach — and that does not mean you’re failing.
Where Judgment Comes From — And How to Respond
Part of strengthening the parent-child relationship is becoming aware of where feelings of judgment originate.
Ask yourself:
Am I hearing direct criticism from someone?
Am I assuming others are judging me?
Am I absorbing messages that don’t match what I know to be true for my child?
Once you notice where the pressure is coming from, you gain the ability to respond with intention.
Here are two grounding statements to use:
If someone repeatedly gives unsolicited feedback
“Thank you for the feedback. We are working on our parent-child relationship.”
Simple. Clear. Boundaried.
And if saying it aloud feels uncomfortable, say it silently to yourself. It still protects your confidence.
If you assume others are judging you
Try reframing it:
“I have no evidence they are judging me — perhaps I am judging myself. I’m proud to be working on our relationship using an approach that supports my child best.”
This shifts the focus back to what matters:
the intentional work you are doing every day.
The Heart of the Work: Intentionally Illuminating Your Relationship
Enhancing the parent-child relationship includes three key steps:
Recognizing your child’s strengths
Acknowledging your child’s challenges
Becoming aware of the external pressures shaping how you feel as a parent
When you understand the stories you’ve been told — or the ones you’ve unconsciously absorbed — you have the power to challenge them and choose what truly aligns with your child’s needs.
A Gentle Practice for This Week
Think of a few situations where you:
Heard negative feedback about your parenting
Felt judged by a teacher, neighbor, or family member
Assumed someone was thinking poorly of your child or your approach
When those moments arise again this week, try responding internally with compassion:
“I am working hard to support my child in the way they need.
I am proud of the relationship we are building.”
This grounding practice can dramatically shift how you feel — and how you show up for your child — in moments of pressure.
You’re Not Alone — We’re Here With You
If you ever feel unsure, overwhelmed, or weighed down by outside expectations, remember:
You are doing the thoughtful, courageous work of parenting a child who needs something different — and that is something to be proud of.
Reach out to your Kinspire OT anytime for guidance, tools, or support.